GROW LIKE A GARDEN

Chenise Sinclaire photographed by Celeste Shiels

A few months ago I was scrolling on Pinterest and came across a picture of a flower garden plan. It listed the types of plants and flowers to plant in order to attract butterflies and all kinds of nature’s life. I thought, “I absolutely need to build a flower garden. I must.” 

I see many birds around my home, too many dragonflies to count, more butterflies than I’ve ever seen and a fair number of bees too. I thought, “there’s so much life around without me having added anything, imagine when I do…” 

I held off on getting started for a while. Whether it was the fear of attachment to a garden or fear that I may suck at keeping plants alive, I don’t exactly know. For many years I just put myself in the box of, “That’s just not me. Not something I do. I don’t garden.”

Why the hell not? How do I know if I don’t even try? 

I started to go down the gardening rabbit hole and researched a lot about soils and fertilizers and tools and pest control etc, etc. Then I overwhelmed myself with all the ‘planning’. I decided to stop and go the old fashioned way and just start. Just get some gloves, basic tools and start by weeding.
Turning over soil I already had in the fairy garden, plant a few easy-to-maintain flowers and just see how it goes. If I come across a problem, I’ll fix it in real time. If I make a mistake, I can then research how to go about it moving forward. I don’t need to be an expert and know x,y and z about it before, I just need to start. 

I will figure it out as I go. 

Like life. 

So I went into the garden for the first time in my life while my daughter napped. I was hands in, cleaning her fairy garden up, planting a few flowers and nourishing the garden bed with water and food. I had my straw hat, sunglasses and my water bottle while I listened to a podcast. 

“You’re not trying to get someone to the next step in YOUR journey, you’re trying to get them to the next step in THEIR journey.” - Kim Kardashian on Jay Shetty Podcast.

After I had put together the flowers and refreshed the soil and mulch and redecorated her fairy garden statues, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment and achievement. I didn’t need to know everything there is to know before I just took the first step. I thought, “I have no idea what I’m doing but it’s okay because I’m having fun in the process and I will figure things out as I go.” 

When my daughter woke up from her nap I brought her outside and showed her the new and improved Fairy Garden. “Thank you Mummy!” is what she said when she saw the little white Alyssum ‘Carpet of Snow’ flowers I had planted.

The joy I felt having done some physical labor into nature to give her that, was unmatched. It was then it cemented into me that I need to definitely be more active in the garden and that I want to invest my time and energy into creating a beautiful space around our home.

Both for us, but also for the life in nature that will benefit from it. The butterflies, the birds, the bees, the bugs. All of it. I knew I had to make a sanctuary for all the living things around my home to take from. I have the ability to do so and now I feel like it is my duty to give back in that way. 

We went inside after admiring the new garden, and we were playing with her Bluey toys and I just kept looking back outside. It was still early, 3pm, and I decided, “We’re going back out there.”

I got my gloves, the weed extractor tool, the trolley (I haven’t yet purchased a wheelbarrow) and took her with me to our backyard where I had hundreds of weeds to take care of. 

I set up a picnic for her close to me and I thought, “it’s good for her to see her mum do these things.” She eventually picked up my hand shovel and sat beside me in the dirt herself. I spoke to her about gardening and that we need to get the weeds out so we can make a beautiful garden with more flowers and nice plants. She was excited and happy to be involved and she loved being all in amongst it. Running away, “Ants!!!! Mummy ants!!!!” She is so funny. 

As I began pulling out the weeds with my weed extractor, it broke. The wooden handle where it met the metal at the bottom completely fell apart.
I thought, “Great. I only got four weeds with this! I have so much more to do!” And at first my brain went into buying a replacement. I took off my pink gloves and searched for one online.
I quickly then interrupted myself and thought, “Put your phone down and get the hell back in there and use the tools you do have and your fucking hands.”
I thought about my ancestors having to build sustainable gardens for fruit and vegetables. I thought about how they would have had nowhere near as many luxurious tools I have today.

So I got in there, on hands and knees, using all my strength for some of the really big weeds. It was satisfying feeling the earth free the roots beneath, and when I’d get to a really big weed, I wouldn’t let it defeat me.
“What? This thing? I can’t pull out this weed from the ground? Be for real.” I’d say to myself.
I’d use all of my strength and out it would come. Dirt flying up into my eyes and all. Spiders and earthworms and ants coming up to the surface after I had disrupted their internal ecosystem.
“Sorry!” I thought, “But these weeds have got to go! Find another place!” 

And then I thought about how clearing out a garden is just like clearing out your mind. 

When it comes to self improvement, a lot of us do want to change. 

But it’s scary, and requires a lot of hard work.

Just like the weeds; I was too frightened to get amongst it, up close and personal. I thought, “There’s just so many I don’t know where to start. It’s going to take me days. What if there’s something dangerous in there?”

In order to have a beautiful garden, you need to prepare the area. You need to rid all of the weeds and pests, clean everything up. You have to pick one area and just start. One weed, one spot and naturally you will move from there. You need to figure out the best soil to put there, is this environment healthy for life to live?

It would be great to just have the garden finished, but I know it’s going to be so rewarding to see small progress each time. And that it’s coming from my hard work, determination and patience.

The same goes with yourself.

In order to be the person you desire to be, you need to clear out the old. Pull out the things that no longer serve you or are good for your soul. You need to go at them head on and with a goal in sight; a vision of how you want to show up in the world.

Sure, you can just start planting flowers and plants around and amongst the weeds, but it doesn’t get rid of them.

And just like self improvement, negative behaviors and thought patterns will always pop in. They will try again, and again, and again to make themselves at home just like the weeds in the garden do.

But are you going to get back in there with your gloves on and pull them out? 

Or will you let them poison the beautiful work you put into making anew? 

A common misconception is that healing and growing reaches an end and that once you do the work you’re good. 

Wrong.

It is a never ending job. You have to consciously make decisions that keep you maintaining a beautiful garden. When a new pest comes in, you handle it. You pause repotting a new plant and you focus on the current issue at hand before it becomes an infestation. 

Our minds are incredibly powerful.

We are incredibly powerful.

And some days sure, I don’t want to pick a weed. But I will get back to it before one turns into three, and three turns into seven and so on. 

My motto in life is “Show up.” 

When I started really taking myself and the quality of my life seriously, I used to tell myself in the mornings, before doing my morning pages, “Show up for yourself.” My alarm is literally called, “Show up!” 

I treated my morning pages like a private meeting with my higher self before my day started as a mum, a wife, a sister, a daughter, etc. I envisioned this higher version of myself sitting at my dining table waiting for me every morning and if I didn’t show up to the pages that day, I’d miss her. I didn’t want to let her down so I always showed up. For myself. 

I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m nowhere near it because no one is perfect. I do have moments where I don’t always make the best choice. Sometimes I am aware of my self destruction and don’t stop it. But I always forgive myself and move forward and make better decisions to support my growth and what feels good to me. 

Maybe your metaphor isn’t a garden. Maybe it’s some old paintbrushes that could do with a good clean before you start a new painting. Maybe it’s clearing out your old clothes in your wardrobe, what can you donate and make room for? What’s one small weed you could pick today?

“If you rest too long the weeds take the garden.” - Jim Rohn. 

All my love,
Chenise Sinclaire.