I GET JEALOUS

Chenise Sinclair photographed by Celeste Shiels

We’ve all felt it before, that twinge of jealousy.
If your immediate thought about jealousy is from a relationship perspective, I want you to zoom out for a moment because jealousy can strike in any context. Your friend, colleague, a family member, even a stranger can be the trigger, and you never know when it’s going to pop out in front of you, catching you off guard. 

Sure, we often say, “I don’t get jealous, I get inspired.”
But let’s be honest; we all experience jealousy, at least initially.
Where the real challenge lies is in how we decide to react to that feeling and how soon.
Do we let it turn us bitter?
Do we let it curdle in the pit of our stomachs and whisper, “It’s not fair!” to ourselves?
Or do we acknowledge it for what it truly is?

A map. 

Jealousy highlights to us that we want something and that we don’t have it. But beneath jealousy always lies fear. Fear that we may not achieve our desires. It can be frustrating when we see others possess or achieve what we yearn for, as if they’ve taken something from us.

I used to view jealousy as my enemy. I would be plagued with guilt, shame and disgust for feeling it.
“Why am I jealous? I want to have that too and be happy for them.” I would ask myself.
Until I realised that what someone else has - and that if I want it too - it doesn’t mean that they took anything from me. Nor does someone else’s success diminish my own potential to achieve it too. 

For whatever reason, our brains like to tell us there can only be one winner. Only they can have it and it looks like they ‘beat’ me to it. 

But here’s the truth that many of us overlook: 

There is enough for all of us.
There is a limitless supply of abundance.
(Add those to your affirmations.) 

In high school, I had an Art class with the same classmates for a couple of years. I excelled in art; it was my favourite subject.
My art teacher nurtured an environment where we all knew no art was ‘wrong’. While there were techniques to enhance our skills, there was no definitive measure for art.

It’s art.

Yet, there was this one girl in my class who had everything I aspired to be. She was beautiful, smart, kind, funny, and talented. Everyone loved her, and her artwork was stunning. I couldn’t help but be jealous of her and her constant praise.

I’d constantly compare my work to hers, wondering why her art seemed to outshine mine.
“Why is her art more appreciated? I thought mine was pretty impressive!” I’d no longer enjoy my art for what it was; instead, I’d use hers as a benchmark. 

The truth was, my work was also graded well, some were chosen for displays, one was even printed on the cover of our schools annual diary.
Yet, I wasn’t happy with my own successes because I still felt jealous of someone else and theirs. 

This is where jealousy made me ugly. I didn’t have control over my insecurities and I paid a heavy price. I lost a good friend by the end of that year because of my behaviour toward her.

It’s been a decade since then, but self-reflection knows no time bounds. I’ve learned to extend grace to myself. The past is unchangeable. All you and I can do today is accept our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and learn the lessons that lay in the debris to avoid repeating them in future. 

Now when jealousy creeps in, I redirect it. I recognise it and ask myself, “What is it I’m truly jealous of? What actions can I take to attain what I envy in that person?” 

It’s uncomfortable initially, realising past actions that you’re not proud of because of such emotions. But acknowledging your own faults is essential for growth.

Growth begins in uncomfortable places, where you may discover aspects of yourself you may not like. However, the beauty of self-improvement lies in the possibility of change.
It’s not overnight and it’s a constant journey of self-evaluation, reflection and forgiveness. 

Every human being that exists or ever has existed and ever will exist, will make mistakes.
That is the only way we learn and grow.
The key is to not become a prisoner of your past actions. 

Jealousy can be your tough-love friend. It reveals to you your desires, and if you can channel that emotional energy into self-improvement without harming others, it can lead you to your desires.

Be kind to yourself, the past you and the present you, and as always, extend that grace and kindness to others. 

All my love,
Chenise Sinclaire.